Gone but not EVER forgotten.

I've been totally MIA lately, but I've been dealing with stuff. This is going to be a short entry, but just wanted to check in...I'll be back soon.

Je t'aime Grandy.

06/26/09

I left my heart in...New York?

So I was randomly watching "The Real Housewives of NYC" and one of the housewives, Jill, was talking about how New Yorkers are not elevator people. She said that most New Yorkers will get in an elevator and hurry and press the close button ASAP. That is SOOOOO me!!! I do that too. Probably shouldn't be proud of it, but it's true. I mean, if someone is right at the door, I won't do it, but I sure as hell press that button so fast if someone is a couple of feet behind me! That just proves that I'm a New Yorker at heart :)...future resident.

Mmmmm....maybe later...

Isn't that the most beautiful view ever?

So ever since I was a little girl, my family has always said I don't belong in the South.

I don't have that natural hospitality. I don't speak to strangers like we've been friends for years. I love cold weather and the color black. I don't even say I'm from Texas...I say Houston.

Don't get me wrong...I love my roots (Louisiana) and I love Houston and there are many, many things that I do love about being southern (the food mostly). However, I don't feel like I belong here. I've never wanted to live any other place in my life besides Manhattan. It doesn't help that my favorite TV shows (Friends, SATC, The Cosby Show, Will and Grace) are based in NY and that's ALL I watch. Seriously, I've wanted to move there since I was 13 and it's only been heightened by the fact that I'm in fashion.

However, due to our current economic state, my dream is somewhat vanishing. Well, my original dream. The original original dream was to go to NYU or Columbia...didn't even apply because of Mother Berry, who BEGGED me to stay here. Then option 2 was to move to NYC the second I graduated from college. Well...as I get older, I realize that I can't always get what I want. I'm extremely blessed and so it always seemed that everything always pointed in my direction. But I think your dreams and your reality need to run parallel at all times. Realistically, NYC is WAY too expensive for me right now. And I DO NOT want look up in 5 years and realize that my mom is still basically supporting me. I don't think there's anything wrong with moving back home for a little bit after college (as long as you contribute to bills and work around the house...NO MOOCHING, PEOPLE!!) But I don't want to move to the Upper West Side and have my "dream job" making $20k a year, while my mom pays for my rent, utilities, groceries...AND student loans!! It's not fair to her. Luckily, she "weaned" me off of her nice salary, and I've started paying for everything myself with my assistant manager salary (which by the way isn't as shabby as I thought retail would be...thank you A&F lol. I'm almost 24 years old. I should be able to and can support myself.

NYC will always be there. But this time that I have to learn myself and mature won't. My 20s are so vital in shaping the woman I'm going to be and I want to be able to look back years from now and be proud of myself for sacrificing and learning tough lessons and building character. I will appreciate it so much more in the end.

My time will come. I know it...

Me in Times Square, eating a hot dog...don't I look sickeningly giddy... :)

Miss you like crazy.

DEAR CLOSET; HOW DO I MISS THEE? LET ME COUNT THE WAYS...

Ok, so if you really know me you know that fashion is my life. Not just clothes, but the lifestyle, the art, the influence, personal expression...everything. It's really hard for me to not "be able" to wear what I want to wear and feel comfortable in my own wardrobe, in my own way, with my own sense. It's been depressing for the past almost 4 months because not only am I saving to finish paying for Baylor (ugh), but I literally can't wear my style because it's against the "look policy." I don't even feel like myself. I'm aching.

It's not even about just garments or ensembles. It's really about showing and expressing who I am. So I have to do whatever I can that's within the "look policy" to show Candace Viness' Berry. So, that means a new tattoo that I love (it's about 1 day old in the pic). It's my 3rd and it's something (and somewhere I've always wanted). The butterfly and stars do have a special meaning to me which is very corny and cheesy, but hey, sometimes even I can be those things.

I just can't wait to really come into my own and be able to explore all the possibilities.

I'm just over it. Really. Can I just be me?

Love,

The girl who's closet has tumbleweeds rolling around it

se7en

So Kervin and I were watching Se7en on Sunday night and it got me to thinking about the reality behind the Kevin Spacey's mentality. I'm not saying I agree with killing people lol, but I can see why he was so indignant as a fellow human being. Just in case you don't know, the 7 deadly sins are sloth, greed, lust, envy, wrath, gluttony, and pride. If you haven't seen the movie, check out the clip so that you can understand where I'm coming from.

Ok so before you think I'm some kind of maniacal, meticulous serial killer, let me explain. I don't think the way he went about it was cool (He's a little bit of a contradiction himself with the slaughtering and torturing and everything, but whatev.), but a lot of people feel like they don't need to answer to anyone and do whatever the hell they want.

Now I'm no saint, so it got me to wondering about the 7 deadly sins that I have in my life. If you know me well, you know that sloth is totally me LOL. I have no problem just laying in bed all day, watching TV, eating, and just sleeping! But as I'm joking about that, I know that there is one that I have had a struggle with for a very long time: envy.

Now I'm not a maliciously envious person, where I'd ruin someone else's hustle or life just because I hated them that much or because I was that jealous. It's silent and internal and never, ever acted on. Now that I'm in my mid-20s (OH LORD HELP ME!!)I can be real and know that that's one of the aspects of my life that I need to work on. It comes and goes, and thank the Lord I don't live a totally envious life. God gave me my life for a reason! He didn't want there to be 2 of the same people and if he wanted me to be them, he would have made me them.

I have to correct something..I said that my jealousy was never acted on...NOT TRUE...I feel like blogging about it and trying to improve and better myself is acting on it. So I'm putting my envy (soon to be ex-envy) to work...by eliminating it.

so freakin cool

ahhhh

so weird

so inspired

so me

damn why didn't i think of this lol

disclaimer: i promise that this whole blog won't be dedicated to fashion lol

Brand New

This is all brand new to me and kind of done on a whim. I don't know what direction I want this blog to go in, so that's why I just named it my name. It's just me. I've been so inspired by so much lately and I felt like I was just brimming with ideas and images and thoughts and words, so what better way than to get with the times of 2009 and blog. Just a warning: I'm random, scattered, and a tad strange, so bear with me. This is an entry to the way I really think, the way my mind really works. There's a feeling of anonymity, but also vivid exposure as I convey my thoughts, yearnings, longings, and all those other words that mean "how I feel today."

Stay tuned...if u dare. It won't be easy (probably for u to read or for me to write), but I do believe it will be entertaining.

Ok.

I've been talking to one of my oldest friends tonight for like 2 hours. We've been kind of out of touch for a while and I'm actually really happy and fulfilled with the conversation that we've had. I've missed our talks dearly (We've always been able to talk about any and every single thing that could possibly be talked about.) and I hope that tonight is the start of that again. We've been friends since we were 10 and it would be a shame to let a 13 (almost 14 year) friendship dissolve for no real reason. Love u RR ;)

Since I've been alone ALOT lately, I'm really appreciating the people in my life that don't ever seem to really disappear. Those are the people who I WANT in my life and that I actually do need. It's only a handful, but I've never been one of those people to need (or want) crowds of people around. I miss them all being here in loner/loser land and want to be surrounded by loved ones more and more as I get older. I get really nostalgic and crack open the old photo albums, love letters, and yearbooks from the "better days" when my life was overflowing with happiness. Why can't I get back to that feeling? Why did I ask that question?...I know exactly why...shitty experiences, growing older, and the absences or addition to certain people that have inadvertently affected me without my permission. But it is my goal in my 20s to heal and mend stuff and this is a great way to get it ALL out and be happy with who I am and to let go of... tHe FeAr :)

Until next time...